The Candidates

So obviously, in order for this experiment to work, I need test subjects. As you have probably gathered by now, my cup isn’t exactly runneth-ing over, so I had to boldly go where I’ve never gone before. That’s right: blind dates and the internet.

Both of these things have long struck fear into my heart, not necessarily because I’m scared I might encounter a psychopath (I tend to voluntarily welcome psychopaths into my life rather than stumble across them at random) but because I really, really hate awkwardness. The idea of sitting through three hours of strained, small-talk-filled conversation with a stranger is up there with DIY dentistry in terms of my pain levels.

But desperate times call for desperate measures so I’ve asked various friends to scroll through their contacts lists and I’ve signed up to one of the big dating websites.

First up is a South American banker who’s a friend of a friend. I’ve never met him but she assured me that he “loves women,” which I for some reason found mildly creepy rather than reassuring. Tomorrow night he’s taking me to what looks like a scarily-posh restaurant for some sort of cocktail extravaganza.

Bachelor Number Two is a New Zealander I met through the dating website – he’s cooking up some sort of plan for Monday night. So far his emails have been spectacular so I have high hopes for some decent banter (though, according to The Rules, I won’t really be allowed to partake – women “shouldn’t talk so much” on dates).

And then, of course, there’s the useless and elusive B. Obviously he should be struck from all records – both public and private – but he does have a way of rearing his strangely endearing head. In fact, he rang me today (at the extremely sexy time of 12:15 in the afternoon). All I wanted to do was yell, “What is WRONG with you? What are we DOING? WILL WE EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN?”

Instead, we talked for a few minutes and then, keeping Rule #6 in mind (“Always End Phone Calls First”), I blurted out “Well, I’ve gotta go.”

“Okay,” he said, sounding a mixture of amused and perplexed, “Bye…”

I hung up feeling irritated (as I often due after speaking to him) but also strangely pleased with myself. Maybe I’m getting the hang of this…

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