A brief aside

I’ve decided to switch dating websites as the one I was using had been filling me with increasing and near-constant anxiety. Every morning I approached my hotmail account with heavy dread, steeling myself for whatever fresh hell awaited me. Don’t get me wrong – I scored a few dates off of it and there were definitely some attractive and normal-seeming people on there, but on the whole it inspired a lot of guilt and self-loathing. All these people sending out these pointless emails that I would have to ignore and delete! And the winks! Oh, god, the winks! I have an intense aversion to emoticons of any sort and so rocking up to my hotmail and finding 37 new winks from men with names like “cheekychappy” and “someonelikeu” honestly made me a tad suicidal (or homicidal).

So, before I began fashioning a noose for myself, I thought it best to try something different. Something without winks. I decided on a site that relies on friend recommendations so I asked my oldest and closest friend to write a little piece saying how fabulous and supremely datable I am. This is what she came up with (verbatim):

“She reads, drinks, and smokes a lot. She excels at the following activities: having fun, making sure her companions are having fun, eating baguettes, being clever, and rebuffing her lesbian best friend enough times that said bf just signed her up on this damn website already.

As a child, she rode a very fat horse named Jason, played defense in football, kick-boxed on a regular basis, and got in trouble in parochial school for reading Candide at mass. When you meet her, only the football bit will surprise you.”

Have you ever seen a more deranged picture painted of someone? Okay, so it’s all true (except for the baguette-eating part – she was clearly thinking back on younger days when she and I would go to the grocery store with the express purpose of purchasing and consuming whole cakes) but surely this is the sort of anecdotal information one gleans on the 7th or 8th date and not the stuff that lures them in the first place. It makes me sound like an angry, drunken recluse; the image it most conjures up in my mind is that of Ignatius J Reilly from The Confederacy of Dunces and, unless memory fails me, he wasn’t exactly beating the chicks off with a stick. All this from my best friend who I love dearly and who, if I were lucky enough to be a lesbian, I would desperately try to woo and marry! Jesus.

I’ve decided to give the task to someone else. Someone who knows me less well and will focus on my light and airy charm rather than my penchant for baked goods and whisky.

I think it’s going to be a tough search but all applicants are welcome.

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  • Frances says:

    Quit yer lyin’. We totally ate entire baguettes. You were the unofficial president of the Price Chopper Baguette Aisle. Right before we ate entire pizzas and then entire cakes. It’s kind of shocking that Price Chopper didn’t go out of business when we went to college.

    Do I get partial credit on the description for at least attempting to sound a bit like an Englishperson and not my general Urban-Folksy self? I said “football,” dammit. And I met that sort with the kicking.

  • Love by the Book says:

    Hey man, I’m not denying my tenure in the baked goods department of the grocery store. It was a glorious reign. I’m just saying that, sadly for me and for Price Chopper, my metabolism isn’t quite what it was when I was 17 and nary a baguette passes through these lips nowadays.

    You did say football and i was proud of you for that but then you negated it by saying no one who met me now would ever believe I used to play football.

  • Jimi says:

    Such a shame. I rather liked what your mate wrote. It’s distinctly non-generic. And interesting enough for me to read to the end without my head turning inside out like a duffel bag in an attempt to amuse myself. I think I know of the site you are talking about and yes… rather dry and unimaginative.

    Are you more concerned about keeping up appearances for appearances sake? or what kind of person will be attracted by a reference like that?

    In any case, letting your guard down may well be dead against the ‘rules’.

    • Love by the Book says:

      A little from Column A, a little from Column B. I suppose out of vanity I didn’t want to be touted around town as a baked-goods-mad, chain-smoking alcoholic with an anger management problem (however funny and true that desciption may be). I was also a little concerned about who it might attract – there are a fair amount of whackjobs out there and I seem to be a magnet for them as is so was a little concerned about what might happen if I went around essentially courting them.

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